Create the Vision, Clear the Blocks: Lather, Rinse, Repeat

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Being single in your 40s and 50s comes with it a plethora of unsolicited advice from friend and family. The advice will range from the pity kind: 

“Oh I am soooo sorry you have to date again. I would NEVER want to date again at this point in my life. If something ever happened to my husband, I know I would just stay single forever.”

 

To the bossy kind: 

“You know what you need to do is take up hobbies where there are lots of men. Here I know the perfect board for you to volunteer at this University Venture Fund, it’s practically all men involved there, don’t worry that you know nothing about what they do, just do it. Here I’ll text my friend right now that you’re coming to the next meeting.”

 

To the desperate to have you back in a relationship kind (because they want so badly for you to be able to hang out with them as couples again):

“Do you think you are being too picky? Maybe you should go out with that one guy again. He seemed nice.”

 

And then of course you will inevitably get the advice from other single women you meet, suggesting that online dating is the only way to meet a man at this point in life and no matter how much you may hate you have to do it anyway or else you’ll risk being single forever. This advice is often accompanied by some suggestions of maybe you need to change your pictures or write different things on your profile. 

The implication of all of this advice has one common theme- everyone is suggesting to you that you need to change something outside of you, something external, to attract in love.

So here’s a little secret I am going to share with you- they couldn’t be more dead WRONG. We live in a world created of energy. Quantum physics has taught us that. We are, all of us, at our smallest particles energy waves rather than the solid matter we appear to be (if you’ve never heard this before, look it up, it will blow your mind!). When we shift our energy, we shift our reality. 

That explanation might sound a little wacky to some of your reading this so instead maybe think about it this way. When someone walks into a room with you in a bad mood, can you sense their mood before they even speak? And similarly, when someone enters the room in a good mood you feel it right? I mean sure some of it is reading their body language but notice how you don’t just read their body language and know how they are feeling- you sense their mood and it impact yours, it shifts how you are feeling. You will then behave differently with the person in the excited good mood than you will with the bad mood person, and you may even want to leave the room with the latter because you do not want to be ‘brought down’ by them. 

Our emotional state affects our energy, and our energy affects our behavior. It does not matter what profile pictures you had up online if when you get to the date your energy is closed off and guarded or the opposite, desperate to be liked and leaning in. Either way it is your energy that will sabotage that date. As humans we are VERY good at reading each other’s subtle energy and we do it primarily unconsciously. You tend to back up from people in the Starbucks line that feel tense. You tend to gravity back to the same check out line with the cashier that always has a smile and friendly words for you, and if you start paying attention you will notice that you even start feeling good inside of you before you get up to that person, your mood shifts in simple anticipation of them and their energy. 

When it comes to dating, these subtle unconscious energy patterns can be picked up on believe it or not even online. There are a whole host of neurological functions of the brain that explain scientifically how and why that happens which I talk about on my social media channels a lot so I won’t get into that today, but the main thing I want to cover today is why these patterns are the only thing you should be paying attention to when it comes to trying to change your dating life. Forget every piece of advice you have ever gotten about changing something you do or say to ‘get a man’ and instead, shift your focus to what you are doing and saying inside of YOU. 

Bring the internal self talk and unconscious energy vibes you are sending off, conscious. Start observing that and you may be quite surprised to find you would not want to date you either! You might be the person in the Starbucks line other people are giving lots of space to. 

I know this might be a bit of a hard pill to swallow, and some of you will have just been struck with a truth bomb you may want to deny but the good news is, it’s all fixable and doesn’t have to take years and years of sitting on a couch talking it over with a therapist either. 

Meanwhile, others of you are reading this thinking, “but I’m not the person in the Starbucks line, I’m more like the cashier everyone likes. I smile and am warm all the time. In fact I bend over backwards for other people even at my own expense!” 

Ah, but you see there is a problem in this energetic style too, most especially when it comes to dating. When you are always people pleasing and trying to go above and beyond to accommodate your partners needs, you send a subtle signal that you do not feel worthy of your own needs and feelings. Men, I believe, in general tend to be much better at reading subtle energy than women. I think it is because we are always in our heads so much over thinking that we talk ourselves out of the subtle things we are vibing. But men on the other hand have been socialized to be much more decisive and go with their gut instinct. If a man picks up on the sense that you do not value yourself by not upholding boundaries around your needs and wishes, he will feel turned off by you. Why? Because his unconscious mind will be thinking, “something must be wrong with her”. I promise you he will not walk away from the dating and have the thought, “wow she came all the way out of her way to meet me for a date, she must not value herself and I am only attracted to women who value themselves”, BUT he will walk away from the date with a nagging sense of something feeling a little ‘off’ or telling himself he just does not feel ‘chemistry’ for you even though he had a nice time. 

All of this energetic stuff is so deeply subconscious that most of the people you know will go through their entire lives without having any awareness of it at all. Hence, why a vast majority of the advice you will receive around improving your life will come from others in the form of talking about things you should do differently than ways you should show up differently. 

Hopefully I have you at least somewhat convinced at this point that if you want to attract in different experiences in your dating life, you need to start showing up differently. So the question now is- how?

Don’t spend another second fretting over which app is the best to find a guy your age. Instead shift all your extra attention and energy inside of you. What kinds of things are your saying to yourself about dating? Are they positive and hopeful or negative and dread filled? What kind of energy are you putting out if a majority of them are the latter? What emotional state do you primarily reside in when it comes to contemplating your single status? Desperate and fearful of being alone forever? Bitter and resentful of the path life has taken to bring you here? Angry and blaming others for landing you in this spot? You need to start by taking inventory of what’s REALLY going on in your head and making the decision to take full responsibility for that part of it. You can’t change the past, you can’t change others, but you CAN change what you think and how you respond. You can make the decision to take full responsibility for manifesting your dream life and you can decide you will not longer let the advice of others dictate what you believe is possible for you. You don’t have to settle for less than the love you most desire. You just have to decide you are willing to do the internal work to clear anything getting in your way of attracting that right to you.

Once you have made the decision that you are the creator of your own destiny, next, you need to dream up what that destiny will look like. You set an intention. You would not start a journey without a clear destination right? In setting an intention, it is important to get SUPER clear about what it is you want. If you have a vague idea of what you are looking for your will get guys asking you out who vaguely have some of what you want. Clarity is key. Don’t worry about how you will meet him just focus on how you will feel once you are with him.  Get quiet and feel into that future vision for yourself already with your dream guy. If you are not visual you can try writing about it, just write it in the present tense as if it has already happened and focus on how it makes you feel in your body to be in that future. Our minds and bodies do not know the difference between and imagined experience and a real one. That is why a sexual fantasy creates a biological response in you. The more time you spend envisioning how you will feel once you get what you want, the most you move into the energy of already having it, and that becomes the energy you are putting off which will suddenly draw lots of men into you, eventually the right one too.

So now you’ve created the vision- what next? Clear the blocks!! Chances are goos that when you meditate on your visions all sorts of doubts and fears and feeling of ‘who am I to think I can get this” will come up. You MUST clear these blocks or you will never shift into the energy that will draw love in. In our universe, like attracts like. If you do not feel worthy, you will attract in others who do not feel worthy but they will most like appear as men who use you for a time to try and improve their own insecurities but who will move on from you once he realizes you can not give him enough validation to make him feel better about himself. No one can, he can only do that for himself but he may never learn that in this lifetime. 

You on the other hand know that once you have cleared all your feelings of unworthiness, self love and a strong feeling of your own value will naturally bubble up- it has to because it’s been there inside you all along. You were born with it and spent your first few years as your unmasked lovable self but it just became clouded over by other people and society over time whenever you received messages that it was not okay for you to be you. 

You are going to take a look at all those blocks and clear them out one at a time, seeing them for what they are- nothing but a false belief you adopted in order to feel safe as a kid. Now the grown version of you can reexamine those beliefs and use EFT tapping to clear any emotions that are strong when you think about them. Once they lose the emotional charge, you will see, they simply have no power over you and you will chuckle to yourself at the fact that they ever did. 

Now, I am not saying this process is easy by any means. I can tell you that EFT tapping will make it tremendously much easier than trying to do it through willing your thoughts to change alone. However, it is still a process that takes focus and effort. It’s a major unwinding of everything you have come to believe about your reality and how to create change. So it will take some persistence. But what I can tell you for certain is this- if you dedicate yourself to this process- create the vision, clear the blocks, create a clearer vision, clear the new found blocks, lather, rinse, repeat; not only will you draw in the healthiest and most loving supportive partner that you have ever had, but you will also notice that all areas of your life begin to improve and your overall sense of well being and peacefulness has profoundly shifted!