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  • Writer's pictureAllison Jayne

Dating After Divorce: How to Stop Obsessively Looking for a Relationship

If you're anything like me, you've probably heard this advice countless times: "You'll find a relationship when you stop looking for one." It's a phrase often uttered by well-meaning friends, especially those who yearn for the days of double dates and couples' adventures with you again. But let's be honest, this advice can sting, especially when you are dating after divorce and have been single for a while at midlife.

You look at your friend who has just doled out this advice while tension creeps up and over your whole body culminating in your face. You are forced to lock your jaw, grit your teeth and force a polite, albeit extremely fake smile. You nod ever so slightly, hoping your neck doesn’t break from the stiffness that now resides in there as a result of you trying to keep a lid on the deep down, frustration brewing through out your entire being. You want to scream, "If it were only that simple, don't you think I would have tried that by now?!?!?”

But you don’t say that. You keep it to yourself, and offer some kind of reassurance to your friend that you will, in fact, try this idea of hers. You even go as far as to fake as though you have never heard this before and the idea has never occurred to you. You do that for her because you can tell that she is beginning to get really anxious that you may never find someone and may end up alone forever; and the last thing you need is her anxiety layered onto your own at this point! So you quickly put on a brave face and act as though you are all good either way, that you are totally okay with your single life and ready to take her advice and stop ‘looking’, because “of course, of course” you utter, she is right, that’s the key… And then you do one final swallow of your intense frustrations and abruptly change the subject as far away from your dating life as possible.

Here's the deal: You're no fool; you get the gist of your friend’s non-original advice. You've grasped the concept, at least in theory, of “you’ll find it when you stop looking”. You realize it's like when your thoughts vanish mid-conversation. The harder you try to retrieve them, the more elusive they become. Yet, the moment you release your grip on trying to recover the thoughts and switch topics, they magically resurface. Or recall those frantic searches for misplaced car keys? As you tore through the house in a panic, they remained stubbornly hidden. But once you gave up, maybe grabbed the spare set or asked for a ride, a flash of insight led you to the keys' hiding place. You already know that when you stop obsessively looking, you often stumble upon exactly what you desire.

The principle is clear: When you stop obsessing and searching, you often stumble upon what you've been seeking. But let’s consider WHY this is the case. It boils down to emotional and energetic frequencies which impact how our brain’s function. This alters not only, how we perceive what’s in our environment but how others perceive us as well. The frequency of seeking is worlds apart from the frequency of finding. When you're in search mode, your energy exudes panic and desperation. It may be obvious that showing up in online dating chats or on actually dates in this emotional state is going to be problematic. No one, I mean no one, finds panic and desperation sexy. So we can clearly see how the frequency of looking can have men turned off by us right from the get go.

But let’s also delve a little further into why the frequency of ‘looking’ creates such a problem for us internally as well. Scientists and law of attraction gurus agree alike- here is how our universe works: like attracts like. Desperation and panic as internal states create more of the same, feeding your mind more reasons to panic and feel desperate. This happens because when you are in a highly emotional state your brain diligently scouts the observable universe for evidence to confirm your emotional state. It’s called confirmation bias. AND your brain weeds out any information that doesn’t appear to go along with the current program. A double whammy. You become pretty convinced that the beliefs in your mind creating the feelings that you are having, are indisputable facts. To make matters worse, many of us have become addicted to the stress hormones produced in that state. We get all jacked up on desperation and panic adrenaline. Calmness feels foreign, even uncomfortable, like something's amiss. So, we invent more worries to maintain that heightened state of stress.

So where does that leave us? We know that constant obsession about wanting a relationship only plunges us into panic and desperation. It doesn't make us more attractive or help us find love any faster. Instead, it's like trying to find those elusive car keys when we're in a frenzy. And we are well aware that we shouldn't be obsessing about wanting a relationship because it drives us into that desperate and panicky emotional space. We also know that showing up for a date in a state of panic is a real passion-killer. Yet, we can’t seem to help ourselves break free from this pattern and next time we go on a date, there we sit, thinking to ourselves, "Is he the one??" during the entire dinner. Then unfortunately, when a date or budding relationship inevitably fizzles out, we panic again, jumping right back into the online dating fray, hoping to find "the one" before the next kid-free weekend or the looming holiday season. The frenzy and panic is driven by one single powerful emotion: fear.

"I'll find him when I stop looking for him? Yeah right! But how do I even stop looking for him when the idea terrifies me?" The idea of your future partner finding you seems like a fairy tale, a laughable notion. Your mind insists that if you cease the search, you'll wind up alone. When dating in midlife, it sometimes feels like there is a hidden clock ticking away in the background, counting down to the dreaded ‘old age’ place of what? I’m not even sure any of us know, we just feel certain that it’s bad there. So the notion of letting go and allowing your future partner to discover you seems ludicrous. It's "backwards and impossible," your mind argues. "If I don't make it happen, it won't happen.”

However, this is a flawed premise, and the trouble with this flawed premise is that it assumes you have far more control over life and the world than you actually do. This way of thinking revolves around controlling external factors, a self-defeating trap that surrenders your power. Your mind has tricked you into thinking that you have control, ‘out there’, over finding your guy if you just have the right profile, show up at the right bar where the kind of man your are looking for might be, or go to the gym at the right time looking all cute. But the irony is the only actual control you have is ‘in here’. The key lies in controlling the internal environment that is wreaking all the havoc stirring up the desperation and panic. If most of us spent even a quarter of the amount of time working on controlling our internal environment rather than trying to control the uncontrollable externally, we would see our desires begin to manifest with lightening speed.

But the question is HOW? How do you change your internal emotions, it’s not like you don’t want to, you do, desperately! You want to stop looking for a relationship because you do know that’s the key to finding one, but the dilemma is how on earth do you break free from this cycle of relationship obsession? Here's where the magic of EFT tapping comes in! It has a unique ability to shift your mindset from within, helping you release constant worry and obsessive thinking. When you focus on these things while tapping the acupressure points in EFT, the stimulation of the tapping relays a calming signal to your brain that eventually overrides the panic and desperation. It’s like unclogging a mentally jammed up pipe. As we use EFT tapping to clear these mental blocks, we can finally let go and relax. In this relaxation, we regain our power and become irresistibly magnetic. A woman who is at ease in her own skin radiates a magnetic energy that draws men to her. When we relax, we create space for a man to pursue and court us – something they absolutely love to do!

So, my dears, let's use the power of EFT tapping to release the grip of relationship obsession and step into our radiant, magnetic selves. You will be in awe of how quickly your dating life will completely turn around once you use this approach. Your journey to love can be a beautiful one, and it all starts from within.

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