Everything You Want Is On The Other Side of Fear
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear” -Jack Canfield
I have always loved this quote by Jack Canfield. The first time I read it I was immediately hit by the intensity of the truth behind those words.
“Could it really be that simple?” I thought to myself, but even as I had that thought, I knew it was that simple.
I also knew- It scared me. I was afraid of the idea of facing my fears…
If everything I wanted in love and relationship was on the other side of fear and the only thing I really had to fear as FDR famously put it- was fear itself, why did I feeling such butterflies in my stomach? The possibility that life really might be just that simple, that everything I ever wanted might truly be waiting for me, just over there on the other side of my fears made me feel scared! Why??
This is where things get really deep. It occurred to me that I was truly afraid of getting on the other side. That ‘place’ was unknown to me. It felt unfamiliar and therefore, potentially uncomfortable. It’s a curious phenomena when you stop to consider it. Even though the other side of fear sounds fantastic to the conscious brain, the unconscious mind is freaking out about the lack if familiar predictability in heading to such a place. And we tend to stay stuck where our subconscious mind deems it to be safe.
You know how when you were a little kid laying in your bed at night you would sometimes think you saw a shadow move in your closet? What would you do? Would you freeze up and lay there stick straight and petrified staring straight up at the ceiling and refusing to look by way of the closet again?
Meanwhile, if you were ever simply brave enough to just face your fear, get out of bed, turn on the light and look you would be flooded with relief to see a monster free closet just sitting there peacefully next to you. But how many of us ever did that and how often? It was just easier feeling to stay frozen in bed, trapped in fear until sleep inevitable takes you under its wings.
The reason we all have a tendency to avoid facing our fears is biologically driven. You have probably heard of fight or flight, but there is a third survivalistic mechanisms we biological creatures engage in- freeze. You might recognize freeze mode from those natures shows where an animal is being chased and suddenly drops, going completely still… ‘playing dead’. In humans, it’s our freeze mode that keeps us from facing our fears and feeling stuck.
Another quote I love is by Amelia Earhart’s, “Fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do.” The imagery of paper tigers is powerful to me. Most of our fears in this day and age are generated by our internal chatter, our thoughts. What could be more of a paper tiger than a scary thought!
There are A LOT of people out there on social media talking about the importance of changing your thoughts and shifting your mindset to manifest the things you desire in life. Most of your reading this already know this to be true- your mindset totally impacts how you see and react to situations in your life. You also know that if you could just think more positively, you would feel more positive. You know that if you can somehow mange to turn off those fearful and negative thoughts, you would be happier and the things you want most in life would start showing up. Especially when it comes to relationships. But you are also most likely sick of everyone telling you this without telling you how to do this. Without giving you a concrete tool that works to do this.
How can you turn off that negative chatter? How can you turn the light on in the closet of your mind and see that there are no monsters? How can you get on the other side of your fears?
I have the light switch for you all - and it’s right at your finger tips… and you will get to try it and see for yourself below.
Unseen Fears in Dating
When it comes to our fears, we often don't realize how deeply rooted they are in our subconscious. We tend to focus on the surface-level worries – how will I ever meet a guy, should I go on a new dating site, should I change my profile? But beneath these concerns lie intricate beliefs, often forged in the fires of past experiences.
Let's break this down and talk about the two most significant fears single women our age have:
The Fear of Not Being Enough:
Oh, how often we question our worth! The world bombards us with images of perfection, success, and happiness. It's easy to believe that we must be flawless to be loved. But, in reality, none of us are. We're all flawed in our unique ways, and that's means that the partner you are dying to be with is flawed too! It’s easy to put a guy on a pedestal very quickly and forget that he too has his own insecurities and struggles with feelings of self worth(and if he doesn’t seem to he may have narcissistic personality disorder so run from that one!).
These universal fears of not being enough, of being too wrinkled, too heavy, too boney, too anything, stem from unconscious beliefs that we've carried for years. I mean think about it, the things that you criticize yourself for now- are they really that different from the things you criticized yourself for 10 years ago? 20 years ago? As a teenager? Probably not a lot… These negative self-perceptions have been etched into our minds by societal pressures, past relationships, and our own self-doubts. We may not even consciously know what these beliefs are, yet they dictate our actions, choices, and feelings. This fear can cause us to seem ‘too picky’ and keep turning down potential suitors because we are actually not okay with being fully seen for who we are in all our flaws. Therefore, we will be on the constant look out for reasons why ‘it could never work’ with a man as a way of protecting us from having to face our own fears of not being good enough. If you never let someone get to know you, you can never be rejected right?
The irony with this one is once you are able to face the paper tigers of all your perceived ‘not good enough-ness’ and clear those fears(which we will start doing today), you will feel more comfortable with yourself and therefore more comfortable with someone else seeing you which by the way is HIGHLY magnetic for a man! A good guy is longing for someone he can be fully himself around and feel seen and accepted for who he is and he will be able to feel that way with you when you are able to role model that for him.
2. The Fear of Being Alone Forever:
The fear of growing old alone or feeling lonely can be haunting. It's a universal fear with deep evolutionary roots – humans are wired to seek the companionship of others. However, today, this fear can lead us down a path of compromise, settling for relationships that don't truly fulfill us.
What's intriguing is that we often confuse being alone with feeling lonely. But they are not the same. In fact, I know many women that can say they have felt extremely lonely sitting on a couch next to their partner. Just because you are in a relationship DOES NOT mean you aren’t lonely. The unconscious fears about growing old alone though can unfortunately drive us into lonely relationship after lonely relationship if we aren’t able to stop the pattern of just jumping into the first relationship we find.
Tapping: The Key to Transformation
You might be wondering how you can start shifting these fears, especially the ones lurking in your unconscious. That's where EFT tapping comes in. This technique can help you rewrite the scripts in your subconscious, releasing you from being stuck.
It’s not called the Emotional Freedom Technique for nothing! As we tap, we're freeing ourselves from the shackles of our fears. We are challenging the idea that you're not enough or that being alone is unbearable. Instead, we're choosing to look at these fears, confront them head-on, and dismantle them piece by piece. With EFT tapping, you have a powerful tool at your disposal. A tool that can help you rewrite your story, release your unconscious fears, and start choosing a new reality – one filled with love, happiness, and the relationship of your dreams.
Want to try it out? I’ve included a tapping script here. If you’ve never tapped before click the link:
and see ‘how to tap’ on my website, otherwise go ahead and start tapping along with the script. [*There is a saying in the tapping world that in order for results to be terrific, you need to be specific, but for the purpose of this blog, we are going to combine the two big fears that lead people to settle for less than their dream relationship and tap on them together in this script. However, if you notice that one fear feels bigger to you than the other, this might be something you will want to break down and tap on separately in the future or work with an individual EFT practitioner.]
Close your eyes and feel the fear in your body at the thought of not being in a relationship. On a scale of zero to ten, how strong is the fear? Notice where you feel it in your body and let’s begin tapping on the side of the hand:
Side of the Hand: Even though I feel like I have to settle for a man who may not always treat me well, I accept myself and my feelings.
Side of the Hand: Even though I am afraid that if I don’t settle, no one will love me, and I will end up alone, I accept that I have these fears.
Side of the Hand: Even though I am afraid that there is so much wrong with me that I have to settle for the best I can get, even if it’s less than ideal, just so I do not end up alone, I am open to the possibility of beginning to release these fears a little now.
Eyebrow Point: But I am afraid
Side of the Eye: I am afraid of ending up alone.
Under the Eye: I am afraid that I am too flawed to find love. To be loved.
Under the Nose: I am afraid and I feel like I have to settle.
Chin Crease: I am afraid that if I set my sights too high for a romantic partner, I will never find someone to be with.
Under the Collarbone: I am afraid that I am not good enough for anyone special and I believe I have to settle.
Under the Arm: If I find a guy who treats me okay some of the time, I feel like that’s good enough. It’s better than what I had in the past.
Top of the Head: I am just afraid of being alone, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of never finding what is it I truly want, deep, intimate, mutual love. Returning to the eyebrow point
Eyebrow Point: I am afraid, so very afraid.
Side of the Eye: As I tap, I begin to release some of this fear now.
Under the Eye: I begin to release the feeling that I must settle.
Under the Nose: I start to release this intense fear of ending up alone.
Chin Crease: I start to release these fears that I am not good enough. That I am not lovable as I am right now.
Under the Collarbone: I open to the possibility that maybe I do not have to settle, that maybe I can wait and be discerning.
Under the Arm: As my fears drain out of me, it suddenly feels possible that I do not have to settle for a mediocre relationship and that I can have more.
Top of the Head: As I release my fears of not being good enough and my fears of ending up alone, I begin to realize that I can set my sites on having the relationship of my dreams!
Now, take a long deep breath in and out...
Check in with your fear at the thought of not being in a relationship. What is your zero to ten number now of intensity? Repeat this tapping script to continue to drive that number down, if needed or reach out to me for more assistance!