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  • Writer's pictureAllison Jayne

How to Stand Out in the Dating Pool

Let's be honest, most of us want to stand out in the dating pool. Who amongst us doesn’t fantasize about being the captivating woman everyone asks about at charity galas, the one who gets showered with drinks from across the bar, or the queen of online profiles with a inbox overflowing with likes. In an online dating world, standing out feels even more crucial, because the pool, well, it’s rather large.

Standing out isn't just vanity; it's a shield against the cultural narrative that paints available men as a dwindling resource. We crave the ego boost of attention, but more importantly, the reassurance that we won't be overlooked by the last remaining ‘good men’.

You may find that you are constantly bombarded by friends and family who give you messages that those men are few and far between.  They may not overtly say “so you better edge out those other women your age”, but subtle hints like, "time to hit the gym harder, eh?" or "maybe consider hair dye?" reinforce the message- up your physical appearance to stand out in the dating pool.

This fear-fueled advice is disarmingly tough to resist. It sparks a panic, whispering doubts about finding love and aging alone (which is a great time to use tapping hint, hint). This panic pushes you to buy into the limiting belief th

at good men are rare, urging you to snatch the first one who appears. It fosters the perilous mindset of settling for relationships riddled with red flags, often excused by loved ones who see his "handsome and rich" side and miss you expressing the gnawing feeling in your gut. Your inner wisdom might be screaming about unmet emotional needs, clashing values, or even hidden mental health or substance abuse issues but it’s all too easy to second guess yourself when your people encourage you otherwise.

Sure, their intentions are good. They hate the thought of you lonely and are unwittingly caught in the "scarcity mindset" about men at this age. So they downplay red flags, make excuses for him, and maybe even lack confidence in your ability to find "the one." It's often a reflection of their own relationship anxieties. The mix of their doubts and your own can easily sway you, or at least muffle that wise inner voice whispering he's not right.

This kind of fear creates a certain dynamic in midlife dating. It causes you to become hyper focused on the external- how you look, how much you weigh, are you interesting enough, accomplished enough, how do your dating profile pictures look etc., etc.. You can become excessively focused on these things and develop the belief that if you could just change this one thing, you would find that guy of your dreams. Unfortunately, the irony is the more focused you become on the external… the further away you go from finding true love.

The way to stand out in the dating pool is really quite simple yet unfortunately can be very difficult to implement. The key to standing out in the dating pool is be shift from and external focus to an internal. Becoming intimately familiar with yourself, who your are, and who you want to be in love and then set firm boundaries around engaging with any man that doesn’t match up. The more we try to twist ourselves into a pretzel for a man we think we want to be with, the less interesting and attractive we become to that man. I am sure you have even experienced it yourself, when a man ‘tries to hard’ to date you, you feel turned off right? Well it is the same on the other side. Trying too hard to be the woman you think he wants you to be will make you blend in with all the other women doing the same. It is a bit of human nature after all to do so. What will make you stand out is not doing that. 

If you can practice being comfortable enough to speak your truth to a man early on, speak your likes and dislikes, even if they are in dissension to something he says, you suddenly gain his attention because it’s different. I am by no means suggesting playing a game here and offering a dissenting opinion as a technique to gain his interest, because trust me, he will see right through that. 

What I'm talking about is staying in your body, and in your inner most knowing and talking from that place. Authenticity is your secret weapon. Speak your truth, whether it's a love for obscure documentaries while he binges action flicks, or preferring quiet nights in over weekend clubbing. That dissonance isn't a dealbreaker, it's a bridge to real connection. It might surprise him, spark genuine conversation, or possibly make him walk. And that's okay. Because the guy who can't handle your unfiltered you wasn't your guy anyway. He was just another face in the crowd. It’s so hard to let go when you meet a guy with potential. I know, because I have been there! But finding a magical connection requires courage (and some tapping) so you can be the Elsa of the dating world and "Let it go, let it go!

When you have the courage to speak your truth, you become unique. A woman who sets boundaries, clearly and kindly, will get instantly more attention from men. For better or for worse, men do like a challenge. So if a man is being wishy washy about making plans and you convey to him something along the lines of, “hey it’s been great chatting with you and I am really looking to find a relationship so if you’d like to make a plan in the next week great, otherwise I am going to move on.” 

Again, either he will disappear, saving you time and heartache or he will take more notice of you than possibly the other handful of women he may be chatting with and realize he better step up or risk missing out. The key here is to always stick with saying what is actually true for you- never what you think might get him interested. The former is sincere, the latter manipulative. 

If you are having a hard time knowing what your truth is, take some downtime, sit in quiet and listen to your soul. Do some tapping if this makes you anxious or if nothing is coming to you. Tapping will calm your nervous system down quickly and allow you to access your frontal lobe more easily, giving you greater insight and awareness from a place of peace rather than a place of fear.

So my dear, speak your truth, set kind boundaries (hold fast!), and trust that your divine right partner awaits. These are not external things but the internal changes that are certain to make you stand out. The person who truly appreciates you is out there, and will be drawn into your like a magnet once you start showing up this way!  I am excited to witness your journey💕


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