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  • Writer's pictureAllison Jayne

The Myth of Needing to Be Perfectly in Self-Love before Meeting Your Perfect Partner

Today I wanted to share with you all a secret that is unpopular in the personal development world. I want to tackle one of the biggest myths that have been haunting single women across the planet- “you just have to love yourself, and then you will find love”. 


Now don’t get me wrong, I know how law of attraction works and that like attracts like in the frequency realm of quantum physics. I know that we draw things into our lives based on what we feel emotionally and energetically, so if we are feeling down and out about never finding love then we will continually attract experiences and see evidence to support that feeling state. So, yes, it is critically important to shift into a higher vibe state to attract in the love you desire. However, if you are trying to shift into that state by forcing your self to love yourself more, I hate to say it but you’re fucked.


I mean how many of those "manifest your dreams effortlessly" emails have you scrolled through desperately hoping for the magic formula? And what do they all say? Self-love, right? "Just love yourself, and all your dreams will come true," they said. I remember being filled with frustration to the point of rage at times, seeing this advice over and over again yet not being able to get myself to this fairytale land of self-love ever after. No amount of affirmations or positive thinking seemed to unlock the secret door to self-love. And when I attempted it, it felt fake, forced, and downright defeating. Enter the paradox I recalled hearing from my early psych training: "When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." 


“Could that be the key?”, I thought to myself. “Do I have to accept that I do not fully love myself in order to love myself more?” Well, I had to admit the idea seemed to have some merit. I mean if I accepted that I didn’t love myself then I was becoming okay with the version of me in that moment in time, which is a loving act in and of itself. 


I also had this thought- “wait a minute, I have plenty of friends who are very happy in their marriages that they have been in since their 20s… surely they were not all in some perfect self-love place before they meet their partner??” Suddenly, the veil lifted and I was struck with a truth that sent chills through my body- there IS NO DESTINATION OF FULL SELF LOVE. There is only the journey of acceptance on who we are in the present, flaws and all, that opens us up to the love that is our natural state. The love that we felt as a small child but that got covered up over the years by feeling judged by others and internalizing embarrassment and shame. 

The trick is to clear the junk that eclipsed the love that is buried deep in our core. Love bubbles up naturally when you clear the emotional clutter. You don't have to hunt for it or force it; it's inside you all along, like a hidden gem waiting to be discovered.


The more emotional blockages and limiting beliefs of gunk you clear, the more love you feel and the more love you feel, the more love you radiate. You become magnetic to people in your world who are at a similar level in their self-love journey. This is how you up level your dating life and begin to meet healthier and healthier partners. Partners who truly see you and love you for who you are because you have started accepting the real you so it now feels safe to let others see it too.


So how do you clear the gunk? Of course you know what my answer will be… tapping!! But seriously, the tapping will work however there is one step you must do in order for the tapping to be super successful- you have to give yourself permission to feel what you actually feel.

What do I mean by that somewhat cryptic phrase? I mean no more sugar coating, no more deluding yourself, no more slathering over your true distress with positive affirmations. Positive affirmations uses as a bandaid to your deep feelings of loneliness, shame, unworthiness or disappointment might make you feel a little better but they won’t stop the deep painful bleeding underneath. 


To most people it feels terrifying to allow those negative feelings to come up, like opening a pandora’s box and the few is you will never be able to close it again. But the paradox is that until you allow yourself to open that box you will remain chained to your self worth issues, a prisoner of its weight that will keep you stuck in your life and repeating unhealthy patterns.

When decide to be boldly courageous and begin to examine those deep seated painful feelings, you can then apply tapping to them so although they will still feel painful to bring up, the pain will come up and out of your body MUCH faster than you just mulling them over on your own. Once you have allowed yourself to feel something yucky and tap and release it, you build the knowing inside of you that you survived it and you can do it again. Do it a few times over and over and suddenly you notice all these little changes in your life, you are thinking more positively, you are feeling lighter, maybe those chronic headaches or aches and pains have started going away… life just feels easier! 


And then my friend, you walk through your life in a higher vibe place. You begin to GENUINELY love yourself and your life more. You radiate that vibe and before you know it your perfect guy will find you!


You don’t have to be perfectly in self-love to find your perfect partner. You just have to be willing to accept yourself right as you as in this moment, in all your glorious flaws!Your perfect partner is waiting for the real you, junk and all. Cheers you doing the work, let me know if you'd like my help and here’s to you finding messy, wild, and totally irresistible love!💕




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