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  • Writer's pictureAllison Jayne

Unlucky in love? Solve the mystery of your pattern

Updated: Jun 23

When I was a kid, I loved detective novels. I was obsessed with them, really. As soon as I finished one, I couldn't wait to go to the library and pick out the next in the series. I can still picture myself walking excitedly to the pale yellow hardbound Nancy Drew collection, getting an excited yet creepy feeling from the image of her on the cover in some dark and mysterious place. However, Encyclopedia Brown was probably my favorite series to read. I loved how I got to follow along with him as he tracked down one clue after another to unravel the truth behind the mystery of the day. A few years ago, I realized just like Encyclopedia Brown, I get to follow the clues my clients bring to me and together we track down the mystery of the things from their past affecting their present. No wonder I love what I do!

Every day, I eagerly don my detective's hat and embark on a journey of discovery to unlock the mysteries behind my clients' persistent life challenges and self-defeating patterns. EFT tapping serves as an extraordinary tool for this style of “detective work”, as it can simultaneously remove the emotional clutter that clouds minds as well as soothe the entire nervous system. In this work, people experience profound transformation as the wisest part of their being emerges and speaks, often through seemingly unrelated memories. By delving into those "random" memories and releasing the emotional intensity associated with them, we bring to light the subconscious beliefs that may have taken root years ago and are presently steering the course of one’s life.

One such example came up for me in my own EFT work. I had identified a pattern in myself in which my loyalty was stronger to the idea of me being single than being in a relationship. I was unusually committed to my single women friends, and while this may sound like a good thing, I was taking it to an extreme. I noticed that my mindset was, "Even if I get a boyfriend, I will still prioritize spending time with my girlfriends more than him." I also observed that I would get disproportionately irritated with friends who did not do that or who would disappear when they entered into a relationship. I had no idea where this apparent loyalty conflict came from, but I could feel that it was there, buried deep down in my subconscious. And it had become obvious to me that this belief was causing me to engage in a certain amount of self-sabotage when I began getting close to a man.

So, in working with my mentor, we began to tap using the phrase, "Even though I feel guilty at the idea of spending more time with a partner than with my single girlfriends, and I don't know why, I love and accept myself anyway." Very quickly into the session, I had a memory pop up of "hiking" to the "big rock" in my neighborhood when I was about 5 years old. Now, I am using quotes here because I'm pretty sure that what seemed like a long and arduous hike to my young brain was in reality less than 20 yards, and the "big rock," which loomed in my memory as tall as the ones at Stonehenge was probably shorter than I am now.

But the point is- this was a big deal at the time for us neighborhood kids. I have often wondered if this was a thing elsewhere in the country, but in the northern New Jersey town where I spent my early years, every neighborhood claimed to have their own "big rock" tucked somewhere back in the woods, and there was A LOT of bragging as to who had the biggest rock among them. I had heard about our big rock for a long time before I was ever invited on one of the neighborhood kid pilgrimages to see said boulder, so you can imagine how excited I was when I was finally extended an invitation to join. The only problem was, I was also a “girly girl” who wore nothing but dresses and jelly shoes and who didn't care much for getting dirty or seeing bugs. So, a hike was not really in my comfort zone. However, nothing was going to hold me back from seeing our famed big rock and discovering if the other kids on my street were right, that we indeed, laid claim to the biggest and best one of them all.

Our ragtag gang of kids embarking on this journey was led by the oldest boy on the street, Jimmy Desato. My best guess is he was possibly around 10 years old at the time. He organized us to meet at the mouth of the woods. Once assembled, he reassured us that this would be an epic adventure and would prove to everyone else at Manito Elementary school that we did, in fact, have the biggest, baddest rock of them all.

We began entering the shaded path, thick with overgrowth, and my excitement grew with every step. I had not thought for one second that a bright dress, knit stockings, and jelly shoes may not have been the best choice of outfit for such an expedition. My sister, two years older than me, was much more appropriately dressed in her Levi's and sneakers. We marched on for what felt like hours when suddenly we came around a bend to find the path completely transformed into a muddy, wet marsh. The other kids didn't seem fazed by it, but I stopped frozen in place. There was NO WAY I was going to ruin my stockings and jelly shoes by walking across that mud. But I also knew we must be close at that point, and I could not bear the thought of missing out on seeing the stone Goliath. My sister became irritated with me and my "girly-ness" and encouraged me to just get a little muddy, but I stood nailed to the spot, unable to proceed. Tears sprung to my eyes. Fortunately for me, Jimmy Desato noticed the sudden commotion behind him, and he turned to assess the situation. He was a kind kid who was very invested in each and every one of us getting to see this rock. So he backed up over the mud and said to me, "No problem, I will just give you a piggyback ride the rest of the way." I was ELATED. This was not only a solution to my mud problem, but my little legs were feeling worn out, and I also welcomed the reprieve from having to walk the rest of the way. Jimmy came over to get me, and as he lifted me up onto his back, I noticed something rather subtle flash across my sister's face—a look of irritation, disdain, and... something else, something that I quickly detected as jealousy. I FELT her look hit me like a punch to my gut. I was getting special treatment from this neighborhood golden boy who everyone liked and revered, and she was not. She was too big to be piggybacked, and she was too tough to play the prissy card that was inherently my nature.

There is a well-known book in psychology called "The Body Keeps the Score." It's a wonderful book, and I particularly love this title because it encapsulates what happens to us in our childhood with big “T” and little “t” traumas alike. The adult Allison has always remembered her big rock adventure, but had not consciously remembered her sister’s expression of anger and jealousy. Subconsciously, however, my body kept the score. My mind made a mental vow in that moment to never receive special treatment from a male again that might hurt a fellow "sister." I felt responsible for my sister's feelings at that moment, and as time went on, my mind generalized this responsibility to all women. Every time after that, when a man gave me extra attention or care, unconscious guilt would rise up in the back of my mind, just enough to cause me to pull away and block myself from receiving it.

Once all of this came out in my tapping session, I was able to tap on my guilt from that day oh so long ago and clear it. Finally, I had put together the clues and solved the mystery! Shortly after that session, a man came into my life and began showering me with gifts and adoration. For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable receiving it.

How is that for some detective work?? You might be amazed to find that some of your most dysfunctional patterns in love and relationships may come from a very minor past experience! You may have made an unconscious vow or downloaded an unhelpful program into the back of your mind that now causes you to push away love or to pursue partners who are unhealthy and not serving your best interest. EFT tapping is the code-breaking tool that will help you follow the breadcrumbs into the mystery of your unhealthy patterns, giving you the key to unlock your freedom to see and choose healthy partners in love!

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